The Case of Mr X

The problem is not a defect of conscience, but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. – M. Scott Peck

Living with a Hypocritical Abuse

Everyday Mr X would go to work: yes, to a school, appearing all respectable – but, I suffered this man: he would beat me, kick me, spit in my face: and, I could not appeal to his parents, not even his mother; she s appeared to support his abuse of me: Mr X would beat me, that they who thought they knew him would never be able to conceive of the monster I experienced him as. Oh, how Mr X would go out of his way to impress those he calculated that it mattered to impress: but, I supposedly his friend- his girl friend- he would beat, kick, spit on my face: why, why, why I thought, why?

Being beaten by one whom one has surrendered one’s trust to, a man: one who goes out daily to pose to promote the opposite of what he perpetrates against my person, against my dignity: because I am a woman, physically weaker than he: it came easier to Mr X to fist my head than for normal people to raise their voice to each other.

Subjectively I was devastated to experience myself at the hands of a monster: but who would suspect it? To all out there he is like a wolf in sheep clothing ( after all, he goes to school every day to pose as the respectable ‘educator’) – who out there would think: this is a guy that would kick a woman; but he cracked my ribs!

And till this day Mr X shows no remorse, having so severely transgressed against me – oh yes, he made empty meaningless gestures when prompted by others- but out of his own, from within- no remorse or genuine apology came from him.

But, adding to my suffering is the fact that his mother supported his physical abuse of me- it is terrible, a woman turning a blind eye to another woman’s suffering: the brutality of a man. Normally another parent would feel shame, but not Mr X’s mother: she acted as if I deserved to be beaten by her son. But no woman should be subjected to the violence that Mr X subjected me to, and to him it became a norm: reason and communication – these Mr X experienced as a curse, totally alien him.

But as I reflect on Mr X you will see his character, which hypocritically he always has hidden beneath a veneer of ‘social civility’ to whose whom do not really know him.But, laughably, Mr X even claims that the people he succeeds to con, they know him; and I, whom he beat, kicked, spat upon- that I don’t know him: again, what a typical abuser’s ruse!
When I informed his parents explicitly about his abuse against me, to my shock- their response was harsh and unsympathetic toward me, and where I had hoped for, and even expected some understanding, – they acted, on the contrary as if it were I who were to blame, and somehow deserved it or brought it upon myself: the terrible words of his mother, ‘I felt like beating her myself!” still resounds in my memory.

Mr X’s parents’ response when informed about his chronic physical abuse of me was both shocking and hurtful: not only were they justifying his gross actions, but they actually projected blame onto me: I experienced them as aggressive toward me and, siding with Mr X. I wrote them a letter to paint them a picture of the brutality I suffered at the hands, and, the feet of their son- but, sadly they totally refused to read it; by that re enforcing their unfair projection of blame onto me.
These factors are adding to the reasons why I feel it is still valid and pertinent to reflect and expose that entire saga of Mr X ’s abusive character and corrupt values in relationship. His parental support of it all adds another dimension of interest: how can a man like that change when he, already void of conscience and remorse- gets parental support, instead of them rebuking him: it was I, his victim, who received their rebuke.

Also, it’s the unusual and very particular cultural context in which Mr X maintained his physical abuse against me which is another worthwhile reason to reflect his abuse – and this is the type of character he revealed himself to be, and therefore – certainly still is! (Though typically of his type, he will vehemently deny this and would claim he has changed.)
Though abusers are certainly rife, few have had the privilege to be addressed about it, and, motivated to cease – from the points of cultural tenets and educational values: a great deal of these I intend to reflect upon too: as I said, there are many reasons why I chose to reflect on Mr X as abuser, and hypocrite, and his physical abuse toward me, was just one out of his repertoire of abusive modes.

As a couple, Mr X and I were privileged. We enrolled ourselves into a school of culture and education. Here we were led through a most rare curriculum of self- and relationship education (this included vocational and professional orientation) .
But, the most relevant aspect of that early education was the intensive syllabus in –curative and creative relationship. But, it is particularly in that context that Mr X’s beastly abusive character started to stand out.

We were led to understand every aspect of the curative creative relationship dynamics; daily received direction and motivation in it. Mr X showed no regard, respect nor appreciation for it- instead, he stepped up his abuse: many times after a class (dealing with cultivating true and beautiful relationship) , he would beat me

In this site read ‘Creative Relationship’, for a glimpse of what Mr X and I were privileged to be led through, and daily invited, spurred and motivated to engage each other round. But, despite all this, for years – Mr X chose to physically dominate, bully, and beat me: as if he despised decent, reasonable, curative creative relationship. But – no one ‘out there’ were to guess or suspect Mr X to be this uncouth bully and woman basher: that he made sure of by wearing a polished veneer, appearing like a ‘good’, ‘respectable’ and even – a ‘considerate’ and ‘sensitive’ chap: indeed the sad thing is, that out there – for show to others- Mr X would externalise everything we were taught in our creative relationship course: in doing this he proved his prowess at double standarding and hypocrisy: which he is practising, to this day.

Discovering the extremity of Mr X’s double standarding and hypocrisy was- hurtful and disappointing; because, part of my initial attraction to him was, well – what I then assumed was mutual: interest in ideas and philosophy, and the challenge to live them.

That is why he joined me in enrolling at illuMIND: – that is what we received there, and there we were dynamically and radically challenged to personalize the ideas and values we were led to understand were ideal. But alas: Mr X gathered ideas in his head for the same acquisitive reasons he gathered books for his library: not to be used and thereby be educated, and therefore transformed – but as merchandise to be used, mere glitter for his social veneer.

The discrepancy between how Mr X was perceived by others whom he guiled with his crafty tailored veneer suit, and my actual experience of him – is vast: that is why I bet few people out there, who think they ‘know’ Mr X would recognize him through my very personal reflections of him – but this is not uncommon with hypocritical and double standarding abusers, like Mr X: in truth they never are what they appear to be.

I was in love with Mr X. But, through him I experienced that respect for a man is inseparable from loving him: so, in the end (because of his incessant abuse of, and lack of respect for – all the values and ideals of communication and relationship I held dear, and so much wanted to live with him) – I lost respect for him; and with that the emotion of love fell out of our relationship. I assume this must be a common experience for many women who suffered at the hands and feet of a man like Mr X .

Mr X spat on my face, pummeled my head, punched my stomach (all these he did thousand upon thousand times, always void of remorse after the vile abuse – acting like he was justified to so deal with another human being, a woman, physically no math for him ) – Mr X kicked my ribs till it cracked: I will never forger the agony of cracked ribs!
If Mr X had merely just beaten me for a number of years, and had subsequently shown remorse, and was genuinely contrite and changed – that would have been something (then, probably, I would not have had to divorce from him ) , then my reflections would have had a totally different import: but, Mr X had shown no remorse, and as an abuser – remains unchanged: physical violence against a defenseless woman is, unfortunately, not the only mode of abuse he is perpetrating against others: the corruption in his character is still evident through his blatant lying and malicious slandering against the good reputation of others- all just to escape accepting responsibility for his own actions. This man thinks nothing of sacrificing others to serve his own selfish ends!

The particular context within which Mr X perpetrated his abuse, and the particular people he targeted- is by itself significant and noteworthy.

Mr X has broken my ribs; he has caused blood to spill from my body; he has left ugly marks on my body- triggered gallons of tears: but all these are nothing compared to the emotional knocks, the self esteem issues it knocked out of me. I suppose, I experienced what most physically abused women journey through.

Now again, I am saddened at the thought of his mother’s: ‘I felt like beating her myself!’

But, I was not going to to traverse the ordinary journey of a normal physically abused woman- for, I and ironically, Mr X-remained enrolled in the culture and education of illuMIND (the only grounds for still being able to remain in association with him, after he failed to heed my ultimatum: ‘Mr X, finally cease your physical violence against me, else divorce.’ ) .
Mr X’s mother must not have liked me, but still, she need not have chosen to turn a blind eye and condoned her son’s malice, and violence against a woman? Whatever my weaknesses were, whatever she disliked about me – that does not make me to blame for her sons brutal violations against me? But, it appears she thinks so.

Mr X’s parents’ response to their son’s violence against me felt like – monstrous! Thank heaven I was not isolagted and left at their mercy, that I had friends and family – and a culture: they would have let him do anything to me, and steadfastly blamed me for it – like in then end they indeed have done!

There are men, who, because they fall prey to drugs or alcoholism, as a result of that fall out of their normal character, and then start physically abusing their spouses or girlfriends. This was not the case with Mr X. On the contrary, we were in a most exceptional sober and rich culture, and education of relationship nurturing and building: o the hours, days, months our mentor and educator spent counselling us, directing, appealing, motivating: but, many many times- immediately after one of those relationship cultivation sessions – Mr X would rather choose to unleash the violent negation of all that beautiful values of culture.

Mr X so consistently and persistently undermined most of the basic – most basic -values of decency and respect in relationship (virtualy right through my relationship with him, and subsequently for years, to this day, he maintained that abuse and bully culture of his with others with whom also felt safe to reveal and subject them to his true and vile character ): regularly, he would be addressed on those bacis: respect (for persons, and, for agreements made with other persons ); tenets of culture and values of education ( to honour them, and to make himself subject to them) , etc.- but, even then Mr X would so revile those basics, that he would even turn those most friendly appeals to him to conform, into occasions for more and further aggression and violence.

Mr X and I remained in association via our enrolment to illuMind; but he maintained his abuse (he proved how deeply it’s ingrained in his character): again and again Mr X shocked everyone through his serial abuse and misconduct – this man would not show respect for the class ethos he was part of, or for fellow class mates, and not even- the educator! It’s like Mr X believed that one should not respect and therefore subject oneself to the tenets of culture and the values of education- even though that is the ostensible reason he enrolled. No disciplinary measures could get him to restrain that dynamic of corruption in his character.

The shocking shame was that Mr X was posing as ‘educator’, and that he was mentored by our educator in education; yet he was transgressing against, and mocking – all the values and principles he is supposed to revere, and embody, so that he can authentically be qualified to ‘educate’ the youth: but, many times I was embarrassed on his behalf: how could someone so persecute and contradict the very values he poses ‘out there’ to represent?His hypocrisy and double standarding (like over the years of bashing me, and appearing all gentlemanly to everyone else ) – still continued to stand out, like the stench of a rotting corpse!

Everyone was concerned about Mr X: what he was doing, and the implications for his career in education; everyone was appealing to him to stop and to conform to decent respect all conduct- but all the appeals, all the motivation fell like on the ears of a corpse.

O the hypocrisy of Mr X: to go out daily to ‘represent’ what he actually defies and persecutes- in the face of appeals and entreats from his peers, and his mentor, to stop it all: but Mr X continued spitting, fisting and kicking- only this time it was not on my face, against my head and my ribs, but on and against the beautiful tenets of culture and the values of education: that we have already been privileged to be lead through to understand – yet Mr X- the ‘educator’, chose neither to appreciate nor respect the body of culture and education: he abused it like he abused mine!
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Working with a hypocrite and abuser

Mr X , is such a typical and classical abuser (and we have had almost two decades of exposure to him) that through him as primary protagonist of this site – we will reveal a great deal of what is common to all abusers.

Many times Mr X had to be neutralized, stripped of his bully regalia, thrust into the bright light of reasoned objectivity – then he would have no choice but to admit, and recognize what his actions portray him as.

But despite that, he wouldn’t reform himself; he would choose not to restrain himself, and gambled he could repeat his abusive, and unprofessional ways with impunity: but he did not win.

Again and again – as frequently as it occurred – during disciplinary review sessions – we would face Mr X with his misconduct. This, him being faced with it, he strongly detested (common to abusers); he would vehemently battle: deny, rationalize, even swear and scream (as if we were doing something wrong to him by calling him to order and holding him accountable for his detestable conduct) – but he could not block what persistent reason clearly and cogently reflected: eventually exhausted, he was left with no option but to submit to reason.

Then finally, as part of his remedial disciplinary measures ( it also being the protocol of the organization) he had to write a review of what transpired during the disciplinary sessions -what he was undeniably led lead to see. This too Mr X detested doing, because in the review he had to write down – sentence by sentence – what was analyzed: what comprised his misconduct, what it revealed about him, and what was resolved, ie. what must change; and then, when completed, to read it to everyone during the follow up session. There was no space for him to distort, lie or invert.

All written reviews had to be compiled, and comprised his medicine manual, which as part of the remedial, he was to – by himself – regularly review, so as to remember, and be able to remain in the right attitude. But Mr X would so frequently just repeat his offensive and ill conduct, that it was clear he never cared to apply the remedial prescription.

He so regularly, and in different ways and aspects, transgressed, that he ended up with quite a voluminous medicine manual.

The following are extracts from Mr X”s medicine, manual. Despite his reluctance and resistance to do it, he had no choice but to honestly commit to writing what was cogently revealed during the grueling session with him – all he had to do was recall; and so he did, capturing most of the phrases and images used during the session.

“I argued again that because our association was unknown, it was private – no one else knows about what we are doing; and I implied that what happens in private doesn’t really matter. This has been, despite everything, part of my rationalizing of my abusive behavior (my ‘dark room syndrome’); but in this communication I also implied that positive values and conduct, that take place in private are also not important, that embodying values amongst ourselves, that nobody else sees, is not important, and doesn’t count. This is in direct contradiction of our basic substratum, that what a person does in private is who they truly are, behind the inauthentic mask that they might don in “public”; and that in truth one cannot make any distinction between public and private, or separate them.”

“I made a very revealing statement which also showed my lack of integrity, by saying that if we were more public then I would conform myself, I would not be guilty of misconduct.”

But, alas – it wont be long, then Mr X would literally contradict all agreements and resolutions reached, to repeat the exact same abuse and misconduct! He showed no compunction as he contradicted his own reason and would lie against his own objective memory.

In all this Mr X portrayed and modeled character traits so typical of abusers.
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The ill_logic of Mr X

Mr X directly challenged about his continuing attempts to bully, abuse, and his ill_logic
<The context for the following interaction with Mr X <……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..>

The ill_logic of an abuser

Preface

The following is one of many disciplinary sessions with Mr X , where his team mates once again have to call him to order on his bully and abusive ways; and reflect to him his cover ups, how he rationalises his violence, and the ease with which he will just say anythin that he considers expedient to con others. What is clearly laid bare here is the manipulative style of communication of an abuser.<TBC>

The Signature of the hypocrite

“Whenever he speaks, he lies”.- Hadith

Riedwaan: Mr X, each time during a dynamic interaction, you have a situation to choose to distinguish yourself, by empowering your words of assurances and agreements, and create a new impression; or, to yet again choose to shame yourself as the bully and abuser we experienced you as, to this day.

Mr X: That is what I must do because so far I have been maintaining the old impression of bully and abuser.
Riedwaan: Mr X, what is wrong with that sentence you just uttered?
Mr X: “must do”, does not indicate definite intention – “I will do” is what I meant!

Riedwaan: Freudian slip, exposing what you always do: to try and say the ‘right’ and convenient thing, with no intention to change your actions!

We always do what we authentically decide to will, and then we would not just repeat and repeat ad nausea what contradicts our genuine decision – and especially round bullying and abusing others – with genuine contrition comes immediate cessation of the undesirable conduct.

Mr X: I apologize. I had no excuse for my conduct. I did have a disrespectful tone towards you.

Riedwaan: Of course Mr X, like always, you – nor any other abuser – cannot come up with an excuse or a reason for your abusive conduct; and, what is the worth of an apology that did not come unsolicited, and therfore sppntaneously, but comes only after you are inescapably faced with your ugly actions?
Furthermore, you were just the day before cautioned to restrain yourself, and you are already under disciplinary measure for this kind of misconduct, and disrespect of values and principles, and still you do not cease- see the how you’re still in the same cycle?

Mr X: It stops here. I will not repeat the same cycle as last year.

Riedwaan: And that phrase, ‘it stops here’, you repeated throughout last year to us; this term, and the previous, and the one before that; and most definitely also repeated it numerous times to Sasha while you were physically abusing her, only each time after, to put her through the same hell of abuse.

How can one be so exclusively self- regarding, and other-trampling? I mean, literally, you are still abusing and bullying innocent people, still showing no regard for values of culture, or principles of education!

It should have stopped when Sasha walked out on your extreme abuse of her, ( after a long extended period of years) , never to associate in intimacy with you ever again, because you too regularly kicked the value of respect, and regard for the dignity of another; and, over and over, Mr X, you whacked the value of ‘intimacy ‘. The exact pattern of abuse you continue toward me, and the rest of us.

You transpose ‘intimacy ‘ and respect from the other person toward you into abusive familiarity ‘, and regard them in your mind like this: ”who are you, an unknown in my dark secret cellar. I am respected everywhere else by those who do not know me in this way, it’s only you I kick and hit.”

How can you be so callous? Like a true criminal, you calculate: ”I see no reason to stop, not while I know I can get away with it. I just need to know I can get away with it; then just give me the occasion, and I will again show you my true face – through my fists, feet, my vile energy and abusive words – while no one else out there, like the staff at at the school I teach at, sees it. For I am G a v i n L a r s e n, the terrible serial abuser of people and relationship values. Who out there will ever know?

Sasha: Mr X has not shown us anything to make us believe his verbal claims that he has changed and is no longer the bully and basher that he was with me. He still too easily crosses the line of Respect in relationship (and now his rational is, “at least I am not physically abusive”) if he believes no one will stop him, and no one in the world out there will find out. Still no sign of intrinsic conscience functioning in him. I still feel he is hollow of any real substantial contrition.

Jason: The description of Mr X is apt and true, including calling him criminal, for what he did was morally and literally criminal. And he never ever once showed any sort of remorse, no trace (you never did, Mr X, not once, in my memory, I never noticed the slightest twang!); and his actions and attitudes today are continuous with those other actions and attitudes in quality, of being able to punch and kick a weaker person, one in “intimate” relationship with him, again, and again, again.

No crisis of self-revulsion ever overtook you, nothing ever arose in your psyche to halt you from raising your hand again, clenching your fist with bruised knuckles once more; you even made jokes about it. So Mr X, based on all experience with you, to those who know you (the few who really do, who exclude even your mom and dad, and Nicky, you remain a serial abuser. What is your reaction to this? Be honest – only more anger?

Gerrard: Your torrid temper tantrums would be horrid enough in a far less exposed and privileged person, so from you, who have been exposed to the highest and most profound Norms and Ethos of universal Culture, they are especially abhorrent.

However this abhorrence and vile repulsiveness is compounded and exacerbated by your serious serial pathologically self- maintained, vicious and virulent hydra-headed abuse of our mutual history, shared experience and evolution of purpose. Your Sasha-sadism has just been morphed into a new savagery, unredeemed and pernicious. The yawning disparity between the face you so wantonly grimace at us, and the affable, amiable, cool dude out there, at schools you get paid to teach, and other circuses, merely serves to highlight what you really are.

Claire: Mr X, you seem only to be concerned with the repercussions for you that would come from your dark secrets being brought out into the open. It doesn’t seem to concern you that it happened in the first place. The fact of the abuse, the fact that you are an abuser, doesn’t seem to worry you at all, that it might be exposed – that, for sure, you are concerned about. And when this is brought out and spoken about, I wonder if you ever take the focus off yourself, and think about Sasha, and what it must have been like for her who was at the receiving end of your abuse. You could not continue because when you ignored her ultimatum to stop, she walked out: what Sasha was experiencing was of no consequence to you. Did you ever apologize to her? And if not, what does that mean – that you are still unrepentant?

Riedwaan: The only reason why this talk about his abuse toward Sasha is happening, is because he is still doing the abuse – otherwise, we would have no reason to talk this.

Mr X: Claire, I have often thought about how Sasha must have felt when I was abusing her, and I am deeply sorry for how I treated her. I have apologized to her.

Sasha: Mr X did apologize, but in the way that is exposed here now, not unsolicited, not out of genuine remorse (I never ever felt his, “deeply sorry”) , but always only as a knee- jerk reaction, out of self concern for his own image, usually only if the damage was visible. But he never meant it sincerely- it was only a superficial, expedient gesture. What else can you say when you have just given someone a fat lip? “So sorry, I will never do it again, not in a heart beat!”Just more empty words. Same now- countless reviews, countless words- all meaningless. That is why he would just repeat the same, just to repeat again the knee -jerk apologies after he is faced with it – never ever out of his own.
This is what Mr X’s apologies amount to (then and now): “ I am forced to say sorry, because, under the circumstances, what else can l say, but – ‘l will not do it again in a heartbeat’ – ”. However, as our recorded history proves, he will contradict what he says out of convenience, without even blinking an eye!

Mr X: My abuse of Sasha was criminal, there is no other word for it. I have continued my abuse on other levels, I agree, but it can no longer be categorized as criminal. I definitely do feel remorse for how I abused Sasha, and would never joke about it.

Riedwaan: Did a cat just faint out of remorse for abusing a mouse? Mr X, again: the word is “abuse”, why the need to categorise, ‘I have continued my abuse on other levels, I agree, but it can no longer be categorized as criminal.’ Just listen to yourself! Mr. , abuse is abuse: no clever categorisation can ever justify it, on any level. Mr. Mr X ?

Mr X: I am no longer exposing you to horrid temper tantrums, and though my abuse has continued towards you, I do not believe that it can be classed as ‘savage’ as Gerrard describes.

Gerrard: Heheha, Mr X you are inventing categories of ‘civil’ or ‘ legal’, as opposed to ‘crimimal’ or ‘savage’, to rationalise your abuse. Mr X, check the math, your con_calculus is – savage!

Jason: Mr X, that sounds terribly dry and hollow.. Can’t you muster anything more?

Riedwaan: What? You want to ‘categorise’ your abuse, to pass it off as acceptable or unacceptable – ‘its not criminal, its not savage’: Mr X , please – abuse is abuse!Listen to yourself Mr X, “…my abuse has continued towards you, I do not believe that it can be classed as ‘savage’”

Mr X: Sasha is right. During our relationship I did apologize to her, but then abused her again, so those apologies were not sincere. But subsequently, after our relationship was over, I am sorry for how I treated her.

Riedwaan: In the way you are unrelenting in your abuse toward me /us (and like now, when, and only then, put on the spot, then you want to utter your, “I am sorry” words: what has changed in you to claim you would have ceased abusing Sasha, if you cannot stop with us, and repeat the exact same pattern of abuse: and you haggliing with categories to rationalise your abuse. No, Mr X, you have not changed, and had she not left, you would still have abused her!

Mr X: Despite what you say, I will never again physically abuse anybody – not in a heartbeat, not ever.
Sasha: Mr X, strange, ’ sorry’ as you are, and feeling your actions towards me criminal, that you have never even taken the time to compose even an sms privately to me to express that. The only time you say those things is in this context, when you feel cornered – and then concoct what you consider would be the ‘right’ things to say. I, and all of us, know how many times you have done this, and you are now again doing the same.

Riedwaan: I was just about to remind him of when I had first shown him that!

Mr X: Sasha is right. During our relationship, I did apologize to her, but then abused her again, so those apologies were not sincere. But subsequently, after our relationship was over, I am sorry for how I treated her.

Riedwaan: Mr X, again let me remind you of the history. When your relationship was over ( because you did not want to cease your abuse) , you did another ugly thing toward Sasha: you inverted, acted as if you were the victim, and she the abuser, and at every Session, for months, only projected your false, self -righteous anger toward her. In fact, you maintained it, untill we had to intervene, and reflected what you were doing, and demanded that you stop that injustice toward her!

Mr X, none of us felt what you claim, that you are ‘sorry’ you abused me last night?

Jason: Mr X (as if this needs to be explained to you) If you punched Sasha mercilessly for years, then claimed repentance, then, on one single occasion, even threw a plate against the wall, and let yourself go in that energy, it would invalidate any belief Sasha might have had in the change. But the same, if now, because you no longer dare, you do not any more throw overt physically violent tantrums, but still clearly exude the same malice, though you hold it back behind clenched teeth, isn’t it the same?

Mr X: I would call it ‘unrelenting and persistent’, but not ‘savage’. I do still restrain myself, though my restraint is not sufficient.

My abuse now towards you is not’ criminal’. Towards Sasha, I was breaking the law and could have ended up in prison. I have broken no law of the land towards you. I have done nothing that would stand up in a court of law – I have abused you, yes, but I have not been criminal!

Riedwaan: O my- look at this folding of syllables, listen to the abuser categorizing his abuse, holding up one form of it against another to rationalize and minimize the other. O my- how typical an abuser you are to make such manipulative distinctions between your abuse of others – that abuse of yours that is not ‘breaking the law’, and that which is criminal: how can this come from someone who has had a change of heart, or is contrite about to his abuse?

Jason: Claire asked the same thing today, and you didn’t answer, Mr X: why did you never apologize to Sasha privately? What does it signify?

Mr X: Despite what you say, I will never again physically abuse anybody – not in a heartbeat, not ever.

Riedwaan: Again, you see: you do not declare that you will never again abuse anybody. Instead, you say: “I will never again physically abuse”. Please see how you are just sealing yourself as an abuser.
Of course, Mr X, you would not dare to again do that level of abuse; but not because you respect principle, or because you had undergone a change of heart, or that your character has changed: no, but only because you are now too afraid to be exposed as a woman basher, so you dare not hit a woman again – but (by your own admission): you would still dare to abuse in all sorts of other ways.

Yes, you will be very afraid to get physical, we made sure of that – not because of an intrinsic change in your character, otherwise abuse against any person in any form would have ceased – and surely you would not make these ridiculous distinctions, and classifications of your abuse – swearing you would never again perpetrate the one form, while, maintaining the other forms which you have classified as ‘not criminal’ – it stinks!

Sasha: Mr X may have thought he was a cat, and me the mouse, but l transcended that role, and it has always stayed the same. And he still dares to try his little cat tricks in front of a pride of lions.

Mr X: What has changed within me is that I do not feel it to be acceptable to show physical aggression towards another person – plain and simple! That is a line that should not be crossed. If I feel anger towards someone that I am in relationship with, then I cannot overstep the bounds of normal human respect and physically threaten or hit them.

Gerrard: W-h-a-t?? That you claim as your transforming insight! Ridiculous, you knew that all along, and further, you had relationship counseling sessions where over and over it was shown to you just how ugly and unacceptable it was to beat a woman. You knew that was so, therefore you were trying your best (as you are even doing now) to hide your conscious vile actions, not out of shame, or remorse, but only out of fear for the embarrassment that exposure would bring.
What an obvious farcical ploy -to make out that you only recently realized that you should not overstep the bounds of human respect. You may even remember (while you were doing the ‘overstepping’) how many times it was pointed out to you that you should respect the principle, and the person; also, the countless times appeals were made to you to stop your transgressions. (In fact, your entire response above is nothing but a literal verbal repetition of the exact words spoken to you repeatedly, as part of the efforts and appeals to you to restrain yourself.) Mr X, no abusive aggression on any level (of course physical is most gross) toward another is ever acceptable. ‘Plain and simple’ Mr X!

Riedwaan: Ha Ha, Mr X you make me laugh! You utter those words after hundreds of thousands of times punching and kicking a woman, cracking her ribs, despite appeal after appeal; not ceasing of your own accord, not even after the ultimatum, ‘cease or divorce’ did you change. How different those words would have come across if not made under duress, and through external awkwardness, but out of your own inward sense of genuine remorse, and authentic change of heart, even as a response to the ultimatum?

Mr X: I have apologized to you Sasha. I am very sorry for how I treated you. You never deserved it, and I wish that I could undo it, but I cannot!

Riedwaan: But, Mr X, as she herself testifies, you only utter those words in situations like these, never did to her one on one in private (like you abused her) – you never sought her out as a matter of urgency coaxed by your conscience, to say to her that you are sorry, or to seek her forgiveness.

Sasha: Yes, and yet another sign of absolutely lack of remorse.

Mr X: I abused you last night, but I did not hurt you, I did not harm you, I caused you no pain. I feel remorse for how I treated Sasha because I know I really hurt her.

Mr X: What has changed within me is that I do not feel it to be acceptable to show physical aggression towards another person – plain and simple! That is a line that should not be crossed. If I feel anger towards someone that I am in relationship with, then I cannot overstep the bounds of normal human respect and physically threaten or hit them.

Sasha: Mr X, earlier you said, ‘I was breaking the law and could have ended up in prison’, as reason for not again beating a woman; and now you speak about, ‘the bounds of normal human respect’, we both know that respect for this is alien to you. Clearly if you observed that as a principle, you would not only cease your physical violence against someone who is physically weaker than you, you would cease all forms of your abuse, you would treat every single person with equal respect; you would not be able to practise double standards as you do.

Riedwaan: I Say no, Mr X you coward, the bounds of a person’s dignity field extends beyond her body, includes her mind, her emotions, her personhood – your neat categories is what betrays you and proves what we are revealing about your hollow ‘sorry’ words.

When you step over my dignity, you kick respect; you violently break agreements – you lie against fact, will say just about anything to manipulate others, and to have things your, with no thought and care about the consequences to the other person.

I am not just my body, so you stop beating my body, because everyone will see, because you are now afraid because you know that now, unlike in the past, there will be serious consequences should you be stupid to beat a woman again: but you do not respect the rest of the dimensions of my being: you are an abuser, your neat distinctions seal it – the whole of a person ought to be respected, and one should restrain oneself in all and any way from abusing and bullying another, because one has intrinsic respect for the integrity of another being!

Mr X: I do not throw tantrums any more! If I restrain myself, no, it is not the same…. I abused you last night, but I did not hurt you, I did not harm you, I caused you no pain. I feel remorse for how I treated Sasha because I know I really hurt her.
Riedwaan: Again, you seal yourself as an abuser by even saying this! Screaming and swearing at someone, lying, and transgressing against reason to have your way over him – sure there is no blood and broken bones, but as surely – there is abuse?

Mr X: I did apologise to Sasha.I do not throw tantrums any more – if I restrain myself, no, it is not the same.
Riedwaan: Wow, the abuser exonerates himself! He is abusing more ‘gently ‘, there is no blood, no cracked ribs, “its abuse, but not criminal – so whats the problem”, he seems to ask!
“ I would call it ‘unrelenting and persistent’, but not ‘savage’. I do still restrain myself, though my restraint is not sufficient”- this one must be cartooned!The abuser also wants to be final arbiter of the category of his abuse, that is further abuse!

Mr X: This does not make sense to me. This is not further abuse.

Riedwaan: Can someone in heaven please show how this is extending his abuse!? Instead of just being remorseful that he transgressed against another person, that therefore he abused the values of culture and the principles of education in relationship, he comes up with the above!

Sasha: Mr X, l believe that if you were in a situation with a girl who would accept it, when nobody would find out, and she angered you, you would not hesitate to repeat your woman bashing-What would stop you? Either way, the point is that you are still showing all the abusive tendencies on other levels, and to top it all, you are trying to excuse yourself.

Riedwaan: -Of course he would, because he has not stopped because of fundamental respect for the sanctity of the dignity of each person. No! He just conveniently fragmented the person, his abuse continues but now he weighs it and contrasts it, and says he is doing it differently; even shows no respect for the ‘office ‘ of the principal – but what does he say, “O – he has not physically hurt me!” – On Adam’s spare rib!

Mr X: I do not believe that if I were in a different situation with another girl that I would abuse her. I would not, physically or emotionally. I do not want to be part of that kind of abusive relationship.

Jason: Mr X, by telling the first fib, you are embroiling yourself in all this.Stop pretending you had some vision on the road to Damascus, because no one believes it. Have the courage just to admit the truth in this matter, and then we can move towards resolution.

Gerrard: Not only are you patently remorseless and blatantly unrepentant; not only have you sustained your abuse, just more subtly in certain ways, but as gross as your abuse of Sasha; not only do you feign not to see the nature, depth and extent of your criminal behavior in such perpetuated and sustained transgression of Principle and Protocol of relationship, but you continue to persist in your bizarre categorizations, that in any way, inter alia, are on the par with, ‘Ijust kicked you this time in the teeth’ and, ‘I only broke one rib. ‘ Are you so shameless, so callused, so callous, so gross?

Riedwaan: Mr X, remember: I had to reflect to you that you never ever asked her forgiveness, instead I had to interrupt your inversion, and maliciously playing the victim, accusing her and giving her the dagger looks at each meeting. Only after that, Mr X, came your hollow, ‘I am sorry’ – just as you doing now, in this session. Nothing ever came out of you spontaneously: no point arguing against these, because it’s recorded in the archives of our history!

Mr X: I do not believe that if I were in a different situation with another girl that I would abuse her. I would not, physically or emotionally. I do not want to be part of that kind of abusive relationship.

Riedwaan: Please stop your parrot repetion, please consider what has already been QED’d, and try stick to our point to point protocol in discussion.

Mr X: I would not physically abuse anyone again, and am sorry for abusing Sasha. -This the truth, and I do not care what any of you say in this regard.

Riedwaan: We already responded to this ruse, but again you merly confirmed yourself as an abuser, by emphatically asserting, ‘I would not physically abuse anyone again’. The point, Mr X, is not to abuse anyone, on any level!

Gerrard: No shaft of Light penetrates the ’s arsenic assinine trapdoor trashionalisation: nor your quasi appeal, ”this does not make sense to me”. You are heaping insult to injury, but seem not to heed the cautionings, not merely about disciplinary measures, which, in any case, have not swerved you from your savagery, but your exposure, which you quite obviously think is an idle metaphor. Only bringing your scurrilous and obdurate transgressing to air in broad daylight, will curb the runaway horses of your mindlessness.

Mr X, You are Quite Evidently Dead to Reason, our Boss, and continue to act out your treason gross!
A bit incredible that you resurrect your rationalise at every turn!

Mr X: I would not physically abuse anyone again, and am sorry for abusing Sasha This the truth, and I do not care what any of you say in this regard.

Riedwaan: O please Mr X, we already demonstrated that you would not dare to physically abuse anyone again, therefore your parrot repeating it just serves to seal your attempts at manipulation.

How different it would have been, Mr X , if you had – (and evidently you have not) – out of your own accord come to a sense of the sacredness of the whole of a person, the privilege of intimacy, the dignity of another – and, that sense became the basis of the restaint to cease all levels of abuse that you are guilty of perpetrating against others. If it had been that, then this whole discussion would have had a different tone, probably would not have occurred.
What does you categorising your abuse in the way you do, portray you as?

You, Mr X, you have shown no respect for the values of communication, and relationship.Your isolating physical abuse as unacceppable, now (as if it were a sudden revelation) – after perpetrating it for years (ignoring and overriding all attempts to get you to cease) , reveals that it is just fear of being shamed to be regarded or exposed as a woman beater, that preoccupies you: it seals that you are still the abusive character, and very manipulative.

Sasha: And that was how you were behaving then, when it was all still fresh. You expect us to believe that somehow, something has happened since then to suddenly make you grow a conscience? Yes, all parallel to what you doing now, including the indignant inversion.

Claire: Mr X, the very fact that you are arguing now, nit-picking about the words used, categorising, etc; does that not mean that you are defending yourself as an abuser? And if you are defending, rationalising your abusive actions in this way, then you must think that you are not doing any wrong, because, it is “not criminal”- there are no visible bruises, Mr X?

Mr X: I am not defending myself. All I said is that I would not physically abuse anyone again. In no way have I said anything to suggest that my other conduct has been acceptable. It has not been, and I certainly do not think that I have done nothing wrong.

I do not care what you believe, and I am not trying to convince you! I would not again hit someone that I was in relationship with.

Riedwaan: Mr X, you should care: because we have not cited just our beliefs, but our history, our years of experience and relationship with you.

Claire: Mr X, your very responses in this dialogue are evidence that you are an abuser! Then you act as if you are the one suffering abuse!

Riedwaan: That is why I have asked him to consider, what has been Q E D’d – but he is too pre- occupied with parrotly just repeating one thing as a ploy to obfuscate, and escape authentic response, and so does not bother to respond properly to all of the vital rest that is reflected him. And, note: this is a typical abuser’s ruse, a show of his manipulation.

Gerrard: Yes, your repeated aggressive, and indeed in the Context, abusive assertion that you ‘do not care…’ is just about the only sentence I have heard you utter honestly, maybe throughout my experience you, you lying coward.

Riedwaan: Mr X, you did not even respond to my first input, the dramatized one, so much you just conveniently choose to ignore?

Mr X: I have responded. I have nothing more to add.

Claire: Mr X, each response from you is more shocking than the last!

Jason: Yes, Mr X, your last response was exactly “muzzled dog” – snarling, but holding back, only for fear of backlash. And I must say, apart from a few formulaic replies, you really didn’t participate tonight, which is out of place, seeing as you were the one on the Table!

Riedwaan: Sorry, I did not get a response to many pertinent points made. And are you now, in a bully tone, just going to say ‘ I have answered ‘ instead of complementing the communication: I request you, respect my ‘ body ‘ of authority and please, as per our protocol, which I also appeal to you to respect, . Please do not repeat what you did last night, showing total disregard for communcation protocol – cause it stinks of disrespect and does not carry the appropriate tone?

Mr X? you are continuing to ignore us?

Mr X: I am not a true criminal! I do not generally conduct myself by doing whatever I can get away with. I do have a conscience. In my responses tonight I in no way meant to create the impression that my abuse of you, which I acknowledge, is acceptable. It is NOT acceptable.

Riedwaan: But our diaologue is hardly over, and then you already address us in the manner you did?
Mr X: Everything that has been said tonight has been said to me before. I agree that I have continued to be abusive, but I do not agree with your saying that I feel no remorse for how I treated Sasha – I do! But you do not accept that. Then in that regard there is nothing further that I can say.

Riedwaan: Mr X, there again you seal yourself as abuser: remorse of doing a wrong to another must inevitably lead to a change of attitude and conduct.

Gerrard: What sort of response is, ‘everything has been said before?Huh! After again and again, over and over, just reducing your words to farts (hollow and stinking of insincerity ) by your again and again just breaking your promises, how can we believe your words just because you verbally parrot repeat it, duh?

Mr X: Everything that has been said tonight has been said to me before. I agree that I have continued to be abusive, but I do not agree with your saying that I feel no remorse for how I treated Sasha – I do! But you do not accept that. Then in that regard there is nothing further that I can say.

Gerrard: You say, ’ I do not generally conduct myself by doing whatever I can get away with.’ In this, Mr X, you once again reveal your character, principle knows no exception, and one whose actions are governed by observing and respecting principle will never do unto another whatever he can get away with.

Jason: Mr X, remember, during our dialogues, every syllable is all the more consciously concatenated, so your tone just now was all the more eyebrow-raising! Also, your reply now about not being a true criminal just doesn’t come off. It sounds insincere, and if we have to analyse it, is riddled with layered legalese. You’re still in reserve!

Mr X: I know I have never asked Sasha for forgiveness, and that my apologies to her have sounded hollow – but I am sorry.

Gerrard: Again, Mr X, please check your math: you say, “I know 1+1=2”, that is, ”I know I have never asked Sasha for forgiveness, and that my apologies to her have sounded hollow but also, sometimes 1+1=3, but I am sorry”.

Mr X: I agree with what Riedwaan said about me fragmenting the person, my insisting that I will not physically abuse someone again, is only stopping my abuse on one level. I have not yet changed myself so that I -in principle- respect the sanctity of the whole person, on every level, and so stop all abuse. My differentiating between different levels of abuse gives me the excuse to continue what I have thought of as minor abuse, but this is not true. No abuse is minor.

Riedwaan: Please see what it took for you to eventually coming to agree with the obvious, even a grade six learner will immediately tell you that no abuse is minor.

Riedwaan: Mr X, are you dense? The historical with Sasha is now being used as a dynamic and extended metaphor: you are doing to us what you did to her: how could you feel regret or remorse while you are dynamically maintaining the abuse, your syllable splitting exposed you as still an abuser.
Gentleness, even forbearance, meekness, even obedience to your mentor, or your own reason, or just restraint to keep out of the shit or not to obtrude our dialogue process – a granting of one of those when it matters – that would seal a change of heart, or a positively directed will: now consider, then authentically respond – if you do just that when it matters – no one will then be silly to argue you have not changed?

Jason: Mr X, you sound as feelingless, insubstantial, and computer-generated as ever. What’s the point? Why bother?
Mr X: I agree with you. I have still not felt real remorse for my conduct towards you, and that is why I have continued. I have not really changed, else I would have behaved as you said. That is the only way that I would be able to prove that I have changed.

Gerrard: Again, only when you are cornered, after all your attempts to rationalise your abuse, and cannot move to the right nor to the left but our reason faces you – only then, after long battle, there comes the, “I agree” – to the obvious!

Riedwaan: Mr X, in the same manner you would ‘know’ that you are disrespectful, and you would manipulate a, ‘I am sorry”, only to mindlessly repeat the same the next day, or even during the same Session. To offend against, and abuse principles of communication, and values of intimacy in relationship, is to abuse the bearer of the body, the very person. It is as, if not more serious, more shameful, even than kicking the body.

The person wears the the body like a suit. I rather you respect the person first, then the rest would follow and you will not abuse anyone on any level, not even once. Now you swear you will not kick the suit, but you continue rationalizations to abuse the one that wears it. You did hurt S physically, but why isolate that to the exclusion of all else?
You also hurt her mentally, emotionally, and in many other ways! Yes, there was not always blood, not always wounds to be seen, and cracked ribs for the doctor to tend; yet, she was hurt again and again when you showed no care to respond to her appeals to apply the culture of creative relationship (which both of you were inculcated in ) to cure and to grow the relationship; when you spat on her earnest attempts to nurture and care for the relationship; and now you want to nullify all that by reducing it to just the physical, and parrot- like repeat how you will never beat a woman again, only because it is categorized as ‘criminal’– and not out of respect for the principle, the dignity of the person!
In all this you but laid bare the ugly, abusive, and manipulative bully character you still are.

Conclusion: <TBC>

PS: This document may be freely used and distributed in any media to expose the cunning and modus operandi of abusers. Mr X, in his person and character embodies the typical bully and abuser. (He now hypocritically poses as educator at Sxxxxxxx College.)

Expose abusers.

 

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